Moving Past Infidelity

Discovering that your spouse has been unfaithful can be utterly devastating. Feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, confusion, and loss of trust are all completely normal reactions.

Overcoming infidelity and rebuilding a solid marriage will take time, commitment, and effort from both partners. However, many couples find that they emerge from the crisis of an affair with a renewed sense of closeness and a stronger bond.

In this blog, we will share tips and strategies to rebuild intimacy and trust in marriage after infidelity happens.

Understanding the Impact of Infidelity

The discovery of infidelity often initiates intense emotional upheaval and uncertainty about the future of the relationship. To rebuild marriage after betrayal, both partners must fully grasp the fallout so adequate attention and effort can be dedicated to healing.

The Emotional Toll

The spectrum of emotions a betrayed spouse grapples with is excruciatingly painful. Shock and denial typically come first, followed by explosive anger once reality sets in.

Underneath rage often lies profound grief and loss – loss of the relationship as it was, loss of hopes for the future, and the loss of faith in the betraying spouse’s feelings.

Partners may paddle through waves of acute insecurity, self-blame, feeling inadequate and unworthy of love, plummeting self-esteem coupled with agonizing suspicion about details of the affair.

The Shattered Trust

Infidelity often ruptures the foundation of relationship – the ability to have implicit faith in your partner’s fidelity and truthfulness.

Emotional and sexual intimacy relies on vulnerability which requires trust. When caught in lies and secrecy, the betrayer’s pronouncements of commitment can ring exasperatingly hollow, making the path to rebuild trust long and arduous.

The betrayed spouse may obsessively fact-check trying to stabilize their perception of reality.

The Repercussions for the Marriage

The broken trust and emotional anguish often radiate into other aspects of couple functioning, dismantling confidence in the foundation of the partnership.

Communication frequently seizes up or turns volatile, moving into blame, stonewalling and contemptuous verbal aggression. Victims may experience feelings of low self-worth, jealousy around the affair partner specifically and anger that closes off emotional or sexual intimacy.

Some even develop sexual aversions associating physical closeness with pain. Affairs also rupture assumptions about relationship norms, causing partners to challenge long-held plans or commitments around family planning, home or jobs.

Why Affairs Happen

Before looking at ways to heal and reconnect, it’s important to reflect on what may have led to the affair. While the cheating spouse bears responsibility for that decision, looking at any issues in the marriage that may have made the spouse vulnerable to temptation can lead to productive conversations on how to improve the relationship.

Potential factors can include poor communication, lack of intimacy, feelings of distance or resentment, and personal issues with the cheating spouse.

Counselling and Therapy

Seeking guidance from a trained marriage counsellor or therapist can provide enormous value in the healing process after an affair.

The right counsellor helps both partners talk through what happened, express and validate emotions, understand contributing factors, and learn techniques to communicate better, rebuild intimacy, and prevent future betrayals.

Individual counselling can assist the cheating spouse in figuring out and addressing what led them to be unfaithful.

Common Steps to Rebuild Your Marriage

Here are some proactive steps that couples should take to begin mending the damage and creating a stronger emotional connection in the aftermath of infidelity:

1. The cheating spouse must take full responsibility for the affair, apologize sincerely and show willingness to make amends through openness, honesty and changed behavior over time. Blaming the betrayed spouse will severely damage the rebuilding process.
2. The betrayed spouse should avoid using inflammatory language and making accusations, which will lead to defensiveness. Using counseling sessions to air frustrations and hurt in a constructive way is more productive.
3. Both spouses need to identify areas of improvement in meeting each other’s needs for intimacy and connection and commit to behavioral changes to nurture the relationship, whether that involves more quality time together, better communication, expressions of affection or more focus on the sexual relationship.
4. Jointly work on goals like increased expressions of appreciation and affection every day and weekly check-ins on the state of the relationship to ensure progress.
5. Find new ways to add fun, variety and excitement to the marriage on a regular basis via date nights, shared activities, weekend getaways, etc. This releases endorphins that bring back positive emotional connections.
6. Let go of anger, bitterness and the desire to punish the cheating spouse. The rebuilding process involves extending grace to each other around hurts and flaws in order to move forward.

Techniques for Rebuilding Intimacy and Trust

1. Maintain honesty and openness around all interactions so the betrayed spouse does not constantly suspect deception or experience triggers related to mistrust. Provide access to devices and accounts if requested.
2. Practice empathic listening without judgement when discussing emotions around the affair. Validate the hurt spouse’s right to still feel sadness, grief or anger at times long after the incident.
3. When disagreements occur, take a timeout to cool off, then re-engage and seek compromise rather than escalate. Learn constructive conflict resolution strategies in counselling.
4. Use Nonviolent Communication techniques that focus on observing behaviour, identifying unmet needs and making specific requests to fulfil those emotional needs.
5. Develop the habit of showing small but consistent acts of care, generosity and support on a daily basis, not just during conflicts. This rebuilding of emotional bank accounts takes time but reestablishes faith in the relationship.
6. Be patient and persistent. It takes years in most cases for the mental and emotional fallout of infidelity to be sufficiently clear. Commit to the process of healing together.

Overcoming infidelity may seem impossible in the immediate raw aftermath of discovering a partner’s betrayal. However, many couples demonstrate that with hard work, dedication, and time, marriages can survive and become more assertive and fulfilling in ways they never imagined.

If both partners let go of past hurts and work together to rebuild passion, trust and a renewed sense of commitment, a new chapter of happiness can unfold.