How to Save a Marriage After an Affair
Discovering that your spouse has had an affair can be utterly devastating. Feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, and loss of trust are all common emotions that arise. Many immediately question whether the marriage can or should even be saved after such deep betrayal.
While the decision to separate or divorce is a personal one, many couples do wish to try rebuilding their marriage after an affair. In fact, statistics show that around 60% of couples opt to stay together after infidelity comes to light.
However, recovering after an affair requires effort, commitment and implementing certain techniques from both partners if you wish to heal and move forward together.
Understand Why It Happened
The first step towards reconciliation is to better understand why the affair occurred in the first place. This does not mean blaming yourself or excusing your spouse’s behavior.
However, through calm and honest communication, you can gain insight into issues in the marriage or within your spouse that may have contributed to seeking intimacy outside the relationship.
Did you both drift apart over time? Have there been unresolved conflicts? Is there something lacking emotionally or physically? Infidelity often arises from other underlying marital problems.
If you can pinpoint these, it allows you both to fully address them and make improvements. This can reopen lines of communication and foster better understanding.
Regain Trust and Establish Boundaries
Restoring trust after such a betrayal may feel nearly impossible initially. However, trust can gradually rebuild over time, provided that clear boundaries are put into place and adhered to. This requires complete openness and accountability when it comes to your spouse’s whereabouts, communication channels and demonstrating commitment to the relationship.
Tools like shared calendars, access to each other’s devices and accounts, regular check-ins, and temporarily limited interactions with the opposite sex can help provide reassurance as trust rebuilds. Setting and sticking to clear expectations, rules and boundaries for what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour is crucial during this fragile period.
Seek Individual and Couples Counseling
Marriage counselling provides an essential space for couples to navigate the complex emotions that arise after an affair. Having productive discussions with a trained third party can minimize heated arguments and blame between partners. Individual counselling can also help both parties better identify and articulate their needs while addressing any underlying personal issues or trauma.
According to Theresa Herring, LMFT, “working with an affair specialist couples counsellor helps create understanding from both sides of the aisle which helps couples heal together.” This guidance and mediation is invaluable when trying to rebuild broken communication and intimacy after such a painful betrayal of trust.
Practice Empathy, Forgiveness and Letting Go
As difficult as it may be after the anger and grief stages, practicing empathy, forgiveness and letting go of bitterness is essential for allowing the relationship to heal. This does not mean excusing the infidelity or betraying one’s own feelings. However, holding on to resentment and anger makes it nearly impossible for reconciliation and will only breed more toxicity.
Actively listening and considering your spouse’s point of view can help diffuse negative emotions and foster understanding even in the aftermath of such a painful transgression. Eventually, forgiveness will need to be extended, though the timing for this is different for every couple and there is no set expectation. Letting go of bitterness and working together towards relationship renewal paves the path forward.
Reignite Intimacy and Bonding
A lack of emotional or physical intimacy with one’s spouse is often what precipitates an affair initially. Therefore, reigniting intimacy and bonding is paramount for rebuilding a loving connection and preventing further seeking of external comfort or validation.
This requires dedication from both spouses to spend quality one-on-one time nurturing the relationship. Go on regular dates, work on really listening and being present with each other, engage in open communication, seek professional help around intimate issues, and make your partner and the marriage itself a top priority once again.
The intimacy deficits that may have contributed to the affair can finally be resolved by demonstrating a consistent commitment to the relationship and actively investing in each other.
Commit Wholeheartedly to Renewal.
Repairing a marriage after deceit requires a steadfast commitment from both spouses to proactively work on reconciliation. The betrayer must be completely transparent and answer any questions their partner may have regarding the details of the affair. The betrayed also has a responsibility to advocate for what they need while working on rebuilding trust over time.
This account for your role is what led to problems in the marriage and take concrete actions to improve in any way you may have let your spouse down as well.
Healing together through open communication, couples counselling and dedicated effort towards rebuilding intimacy can empower a couple to save their marriage even after deep betrayal. However, both partners must be fully committed for it to succeed long-term.
Utilize Other Support Systems
While professional counseling provides one avenue of support, also rely on close friends and family members during such a challenging transitional time in your relationship.
Seek comfort, advice and encouragement from trusted individuals whom you know have your best interests in heart to provide additional perspective and emotional backing when you need it most.
http://Www.hopeforhealing.org provides an online community of support and resources for those recovering specifically from betrayal trauma and infidelity as well. Connecting with others navigating a similar situation can help individuals feel less alone in their emotional pain after the affair comes to light. It also provides another place to seek guidance during the rebuilding process.
Take Things Slowly
Repairing marriage after infidelity cannot realistically happen overnight. There will be ongoing emotional work involved for both parties along with the need to implement strategies for reconciliation thoughtfully. Trying to rush reconciliation or gloss over issues will likely only obscure problems and cause more issues down the road.
Resist making any major mutual decisions about separation or divorce immediately since emotions are running high. Instead, take things slowly and carefully move through necessary conversations and processing regarding what happened with the affair.
Allow time for individual reflection but come back together consistently to air thoughts and feelings to keep communication open. Move forward deliberately but steadily.
Conclusion;
The process of rebuilding intimacy and trust will span weeks, months or possibly even years after the initial discovery of an affair rather than days.
Every couple may need more or less time, depending on specific circumstances. Have patience with yourself and your spouse as you restructure the relationship. With consistent teamwork, empathy and commitment over the long haul, marriages can heal.
